Did
you ever have a friend in a relationship in which she or he completely
dependent? You know, when you want to spend time between friends and they bring
their companions that no one knows and the atmosphere is just awkward? Or, if
the boyfriend or girlfriend is not here, it is impossible to talk to them
because their faces are glued to their phones, sending endless silly text
messages because “I miss him so, so much! I didn’t see him for like, three
hours.” I do not doubt that there is
love between these kinds of people, but I do think that it is not a healthy
relationship. The contrary is also
wrong. If a relationship does not have
any bases and the two beings involved do not have a minimum of respect towards
each other, it will not last.
A
question that I always ask myself when I am witness of an unstable relationship
(mostly between teenagers and young adults) is why and how the two people can
still be together? We live in an era
where nothing is very private and everybody can know others’ business with a
simple click of a mouse. If a couple is
not going well, the whole world will know sooner or later, and the friends and
family (but mostly the friends) will eventually give their opinions. I can believe that love can make you blind
(cute, isn’t it?), but I also believe that there is a limit! When you spend your time crying over your
relationship, but hang on only because it is only “complicated” or that you “will
change him” and that all of your social circle implicitly encourages you to
break up, I think that something should connect in your head.
After
the discussion in class about if Clarissa did or did not take the right decision
when she married Richard, I saw a side of their relationship that I did not
noticed when I first read the book. I
thought that Clarissa was not happy with her husband and married him only for a
strategic reason, but now I see that she did a well-reflected decision that
would make her happy. The theme of feminism is quite present in the book. For
instance, when we look at the female characters, such as Lucrezia and Sally,
they are obviously not dependent to their husbands and do not let themselves ruled
by the patriarchal way of life at this time.
I am not a fervent supporter of the feminism movement, but I agree that
women need independence, especially when it comes to couples. This is why I find that Clarissa did a good
choice with her marriage with Richard. She was able to find the liberty she
looked for and put her principles and her psychological health before her
feelings towards Peter, which I really admire.
To
come back with unhealthy couples, have you ever been in a relationship where your
independence was threatened, or do you know someone who is into one right
now? Also, nowadays, what do you think
is essential for a couple to last? Would
you put your emotions before your independence, or the opposite?
Sources:
Image #1: "Brands Are Not People - really?", September 19, 2012, jdm-digital.com, Website, April 12, 2014.
Image #2: "Unintended Design Legacies", August 7, 2013, blog.method.ac, Website, April 11, 2014.
First of all, I really enjoyed this post!
ReplyDeleteCouples who are constantly together and in that "honeymoon" stage actually makes me sick (not literally) but I do agree that everyone needs their space. I feel like those kind of relationships are the reasons people grow away from their more important ones like between family of friends – it’s kind of sad how much people let love change them blindly.
In my opinion, this whole generation is screwed with all this technology and social media. I think it is possible to have privacy as long as you avoid any and all contact on the internet, haha. I think whatever drama people have in their lives is more or less their own fault; if you don’t want people knowing your business, you wouldn’t tell anyone or post it anywhere, or if you don’t want someone to find out what you did, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
As for the class discussion we had about Clarissa’s relationship, I also think she only married Richard out of strategy. I don’t know if she made a “well-reflected decision that would make her happy” because she’s still thinking about Peter. I don’t doubt that Clarissa was in a difficult situation, torn between two men, but sometimes I think love overpowers reason. I still root for Clarissa and Peter (and maybe even Clarissa and Sally – that would have been an interesting twist) because yea her life is set with Richard, but it’s also a routine and it’s boring. I would much rather struggle with the girl I that love than be safe with someone that I have no connection with.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteI do have a close friend who reached a really unhealthy and obsessive point with her boyfriend. He ended it with her, and I can tell she is heartbroken and that he is all she thinks about. She constantly brings him up even when we talk about completely unrelated things. I feel like she spent so much time with him that she is not used to being alone and self-sufficient. I definitely think that this proves that people our age need to have space and learn how to be satisfied with themselves and learn how to be independent.
I definitely would put independence before emotions. While it may seem harsh, these relationships that we have early on in life are probably not going to last, so we should work on bettering ourselves rather than worrying about whether or not our boyfriends and crushes are going to call back.
In terms of Clarissa, I think, considering the time that she lived in, she made the right decision to marry Richard. This is because he seems to not impose his masculine "dominance" on her and really lets her lead her own life. However, it is not obvious that she really loves him, so if she lived today, I think she would be inclined to not marry and lead an independent life.
One of my best friends just recently got out of a relationship in which her boyfriend (now ex) constantly questioned any or every male she ever came in contact with, and his tastes made her change the way she dressed for him. He was a really nice guy, but he obviously had some trust issues. They always got into fights because even if she became friends with , for example, a coworker, he worried about it and insisted that she does not add anyone on Facebook, or text them, or even speak to them. My friend never gave him a reason to ever doubt their relationship at all, and after a while, his behaviour towards her became extremely stifling for her, especially since it showcased extreme trust issues and bad fights. He also didn't really like the way my friend dressed, so of course, in an effort to please her boyfriend, she took to dressing in a style that he would prefer more. This friend and I have a really similar style, so whenever we'd discuss fashion together, she'd say things like, "Yeah, but I can't wear that cause (Bob) doesn't like that." It may not seem like such a big deal, but in my eyes, it was. In my eyes, it wasn't just making someone change their fashion choices. It was holding back their individuality and personal flare, as well as trying to change someone to your liking.
ReplyDeleteSo, for that reason, I would definitely value independence more than emotions. Why? Well, I believe that someone who truly cared for you would want to give you your independence and not try to change or control you. In a way, I think that as critical of Clarissa that Peter was, he probably would have tried do change a couple of things about her, and I don't think you should sacrifice your sense of self for someone because I believe that your partner should love you for who you are.
I agree with your comment about Clarissa making a good choice when she chose to marry Richard instead of Peter. Like you said, with Richard she feels independent and capable and is able to express herself in ways that I think would not be possible had she chosen to be with Peter. Peter always has such harsh thoughts about Clarissa and the things she enjoys. I believe that had she chosen to marry him, these awful thoughts would soon have become words and would have eventually become a restraint for Clarissa's individuality. I don't have a personal experience to share, but I think we have all seen these kinds of unhealthy couples on tv or in movies and so I can totally understand the frustration of watching someone be held back by a "lover". In my opinion, if someone loves you then they love you for exactly who you are. When in love, one should be able to accept the other's opinions, faults, qualities, etc. I'm not saying that couples should always agree or think in the same manner, but I do think that if two people truly do love each other, they will respect what their significant other likes, thinks or does (unless it's something like cheating... then it's fully ok to not respect their choices). I think that being with someone you love shouldn't ever hold back your individuality. In fact, I think by being loved, one should be able to flourish and to be even more themselves around this person because they know that they are respected and accepted by them. Love shouldn't be a restraint or a cage, but rather a way to be yourself with someone who you can respect as well.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I am extremely cynical when it comes to love, relationships and marriage. I find those couples that are endlessly codependent and reliant on one another beyond frustrating and annoying. You mentioned how you had noticed that unhealthy relationships were a more frequent occurrence among teens and young adults than adults. While I don't fully agree with you, I do think everything is amplified when you're a teen, especially emotions. So, when teens enter relationships, they overdo it, making every text message, small gift or attention seem like the grandest romantic gesture. I think the relationship Clarissa has with Peter reflects this mentality. When I was reading, I felt like whenever she talked about Peter, it was like she was reverting back to a 16-year-old girl, and the relationship she maintains with Richard, though seemingly dull, appears healthier and more mature. To me, neither relationship is better than the other. I think that a truly healthy relationship consists of the sense of excitement and passion that Clarissa experiences with Peter, but also has the security and emotional stability that she has with Richard. In my opinion, that is what a couple needs in order to stand a chance at lasting. If you have too much 'Richard' in your relationship, love will die out and you'll start to feel unfulfilled and may long for something else. But, if you have too much 'Peter', you'll feel constant turmoil and doubt. You need a good balance of both.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with the thwarted idea of what a modern relationship is supposed to be. What I love about Clarissa is that she doesn't state that she doesn't require love or intimacy, but she brings to light the possibility of being in a relationship and having two separate lives. I always hated the saying "my other half." What does that even mean?
ReplyDeleteI think if one person in the relationship is more dependent than the other, that dependent person will be more hurt..because it ultimately won't last. Both parties have to be in agreement on their idea of what THEIR relationship love is, and will be.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta fall (in love) together, right?
I hate to say it, but at the very beginning, love is a game.
You don't have to be "players" and hurt each other, but you have to play your cards right. All of these social stigmas of being interested yet distant are a) complicated and therefore; b) confusing, but they are true.
Clarissa feels stable with Richard. But she has an undeniably unique bond with Pete.
It's kinda all a matter of what you value at the end of the day. If your dependent, rather contrived, relationship manages to live, breathe and survive then right on! But if it doesn't, I think it's important to reevaluate your values and your goals, your interest and your attractions and desires to people, because sometimes we fall in lust, not in love, for various reasons.
I was always rooting for Peter and Clarissa!!